So, me, Murdoc Niccals, and my first emission for MTV Blogs, eh? Mmmmm….I’ve always wanted to do a nice long blog on MTV. I haven’t felt this excited since we did our Cribs episode. But that was when Gorillaz lived at Kong Studios, before I sailed away to my new Plastic Beach location in the middle of the ocean….

Anyway, what with my brand new album being loaded into the canon, I’ve been drafted in to give a little account of myself to the Mecca of all things speedy, plastic and now. The MTV. And I was given this brief ‘brief’; ‘write something about yourself, or about your new album or about the world and music. Or something’...

Other than that, the canvas was all mine. I’ve never written a blog before so who knows where to start? I would’ve asked around for help but I’m stuck out here on my own.

Y’know, the nights get lonely out here on Plastic Beach. I split here some time ago, after all the Demon Days shows, to get away from all these gun-running pirates and assassins that are trying to blow my brains out.

And yeah, I’m all excited about the album and everything but there’s not a lot to do while I’m hiding out here, all on my Jack Jones… Except trawl the Internet, night after night, alone….on a plastic island…thunder and lightning howling….drunk, in my pants. It’s either that or just shucking oysters…And I’ve done loads of that.

So, I’m on the Net looking for subjects to write about, when there it was! Something that turned my head right round, a whole 360 degrees! Something proving what I’d suspected myself for a long while!

I came across actual incredible video evidence proving that pop songstress Lady Gaga is in league with the Devil!

Now I’d heard many rumours before, they’re all over the Internet. In fact all you need to type in” “is Lady Gaga…”, you’ll instantly get a whole Tsunami of odd and libellous suggestions. Is Lady Gaga A Dike? Is Lady Gaga Dead? Is Lady Gaga Contagious?

And as for the hermaphrodite rumours. Wowwee Zowie David Bowie!!! But putting Gaga’s ‘Mangina’ or ‘Shenis’ issues aside, this was the really good stuff!

This one was new, and a far better turn. Is Lady Gaga a Devil-worshipper…?. Sounds ssssssexy! I love a bit of all that! MMMmmmmmm!

Google even offered me an instant link to whisk me straight to the irrefutable ‘YouTubed assembled’proof(NSFW). It was an offer too irresistible to pass up. I filled up my glass, pulled the blinds down and clicked on the link…..

And there it was! Mmmm! Bulletproof evidence. The little shape-shifting lizardy- wizardy temptress! I knew it!

The evidence presented? Oh this is good. She uses triangles in her videos. (That’s Illuminati). She got a ram’s head on the wall in her videos, (that means she’s a Satanist) and she covers one of her eyes a lot! (Masonic shape-shifting-crazy-alien-demon-lover). Guilty as charged, Ms. Gaga! Rich sticky evidence that you’re a pagan, devil-loving foxy man / lady / Masonic youth!

This is fantastic! I almost sent a car to bring her over to Plastic Beach right away! I knew she was one of us! It’s all true…It’s all in her videos, check ‘em out! She’s making the All-Seeing ‘Eye of Horus’ symbol, with her hand and fingers, like. That’s a straight-up Underworld gang sign right there.

And if she wasn’t one of ‘Crowley’s daughters’ how else could Lady Gaga have whisked herself up the charts so fast? She came out of nowhere, almost overnight, like some scantily clad she-devil herself. This could only be her diligent devotion to Baphomet, Beelzebub and all the rest.

It’s true, isn’t it?! What else would explain her instant celebrity and chart success? It can’t be all those songs she’s written, or the never-ending costume changes, or all the attention-grabbing, ‘fire coming out of her exploding breasts, while playing the piano, standing on a stool, dressed as a half-naked bubble! Who would buy into any of that?! And it couldn’t possibly be the endless promotion her and her record company did either…No! No! No!

It’s that deal she cut with Beelzebub! To promote his wicked, wizardy ways around the globe, disguised as a mainstream pop diva! Of course I know all this to be true first hand. I did a deal myself a long, long time ago. That’s what got Gorillaz up the charts in the first place. In fact my bass guitar ‘El Diablo’ was hand-crafted by Mr. B himself. I got it as a present when I signed my own eternal contract…I’ve used it ever since, on every record!

So, you see, all you’ve got to do is throw a couple of cryptic symbols into the mix, a few well-placed bits of demonic imagery and Bob’s your Uncle. Worldwide Fame! And of course though, you do have to use subliminal lyrics, to er… subconsciously reel the kids into the service of the darkside. It’s classic ‘left-hand’ devilry tactics. Gaga does this is spades…. I think…

My only confusion here isn’t what the subliminal messages are. I can hear those. I just can’t see where the non-subliminal message is. When she states that she’s ‘bluffin’ with her muffin” and professes her desire to ‘take a ride on a disco stick…..’ I’m reasonably sure that those aren’t subliminal. Subliminal means hidden. But those are just the lyrics…

The other thing I can’t suss out is how Satan decides who’s in and who’s out of the charts. It seems a bit arbitrary to me. Because if all it took was to flick a couple of metal signs, and sticking a couple of ‘goaty’ images in your vids, surely then the charts would be ruled by all those Norwegian Metal Bands, and all those baldy-longhair Satan-loving rockers. And those lot don’t sell more than 10 records a piece nowadays…..

I’m not really sure how it works. But then again maybe the big red fella’s only helps out the disciples with a modicum of talent or that show some kind of sparkly skills in the first place. Whatever, not up to me to decide. I’m not complaining…

Ram’s heads, cryptic messages, covert codes, secret symbols and devilish paranoia…Ahhhh…It’s good to see a bit of that back in the pop music charts….Reminds me of the good ol’ days of Zeppelin, Sabbath and Judas Priest!!

I mean it’d be terrible if it was all just…sunshine and happy-clappy pop starlets like Smiley Cyrus, and nice girls like Ke$Ha and all that. It’s essential to have a balance, a bit of light and shade in life, eh, pop-fans?

So there you go Gaga *hearts* the Devil. And I *heart* Gaga. I let out a big warm sigh….You know what? I might even capture her and have her installed as a trophy on my Plastic Beach. Maybe even do a spin off ‘Murdoc VS Gaga’ in Hades type remix project. I was just mulling over this fantastic concept when, guess what? Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, the Internet threw up even me more goodies…

It turns out it’s not just Gaga. There’s loads of them! According to the Internet
Beyonce’s a devil worshipper! And Katie Perry a devil worshipper too. Britney too! It all sounds too good to be true!!! In fact almost anyone who’s anyone seems to be in league with the bad guys….

I do hope all of this is true, and not just the mindless online ramblings of some bedroom-based religious fanatics, because if it is right, then there’s enough of them out there to start a whole Satanic harem! I’d get ‘em all out to Plastic Beach.

That’s what I love about the Internet. You can find out anything. It’s all there. And it’s all true…. All the ‘up-to-date- info’ you need in one easy click….

So, Lady Gaga, or whoever you are….Come to daddy. Me and you could write a really ‘Bad Romance…..’ or at least a few B-sides. Anyway I think it’s time to go. My glass is empty, and I can hear some ominous chanting outside my window…Ooh Look! Some guests have arrived. And they’ve brought their own flaming torches….

Till next week then, kids. If I don’t end up in some Wickerman, burning on a stinky Plastic Beach….!

M.N.

Well, folks, it’s me, Murdoc Niccals, back once again to spew forth some abstract thoughts out of that mucky little dumpster I call my mind. Blogging. It’s just like chucking words into a furnace, isn’t it? Someone’s got to do it... I guess.

So anyway, back in my see-through Plastic Beach booth after last week’s ‘Gaga-based’ posting and what’s on the radar this week? In this inane world of pointless, soul-draining issues…What little news item can I pick up on, magnify to an unfeasible degree and then pass off as genuine news commentary? Those all important opinions ain’t going to write themselves are they? Got to sell them broadsheets, or else we’re all scuppered! So let’s have a look....

(rattles newspaper, puts on pair of specs to make self look brainy and intellectual)

Right. *sigh*...I’ll tell you something. It’s hard to get a decent signal on this Plastic Beach. And the newspapers are always late. Always. I don’t where I am half the time. And as you know, you can’t always trust what you read on the Internet, now can you?

But all that aside, it’s come into my view, checking the news and stuff, I hear that this week, hoary old British denim-clad rockers ‘Status Quo’ were handed OBE’s, awarded by the very Queen of England. The Queen of England herself, eh? This sounds important….

Now, what O.B.E. stands for is Order of The British Empire, an order of chivalry. A mark of achievement for chivalry, as recognised by the British realm.

I don’t really know where to start here. Now I’m prepared to offer many descriptions and accolades to rock bands, but chivalry and decorations from the Establishment isn’t one really of them….is it? Mmmmmm...Wait a sec...I’ve just got to have a quick top up of... rum...mmmm....(cough)....

Mmm...where we’re we...Oh yeah...Status Quo. O.B.E.’s ....

So, Status Quo, by their own admission have spent years touring the world off their trolleys on Bolivian Marching Powder to the point where Francis Rossi’s nose once fell off. That’s true! And they’ve been particularly up front about the fact that they’ve spent many, many, many, many evenings on tour shacked up in hotels, watching saucy videos while pleasuring themselves in each other’s company. Which is all fine and dandy as long as no-one gets hurt. Right? “Whatever you want.....whatever you like...”

But really? An O.B.E? Each? For all that? I don’t think so. Other than all that stuff, it seems to be just 42 years of chucking out 3 chord ‘chugging’ rrrrrrrrrock n’roll dirges. Songs to be played at weddings and DIY adverts n’stuff. High octane stuff....

But ultimately, my point here isn’t really anything to do with Status Quo or rock bands or anything like that. It’s more about one redundant institution recognizing and decorating another…

The fact of the matter is the British Royalty is an antiquated and outdated institution that servers little or no purpose. They only have one function. To offer up some tight-lipped notion of dignity, respect and some kind of …I don’t know…. to be ambassadors and representatives of Britain, or something..... An old fashioned notion of respectability. And that’s it. That all they have to do. And they can’t seem to manage even that...Useless.

It’s an unnecessary position and one in which they, and they’re gonky kids, are paid extremely well for, with land, titles and privileges being handed down generation to generation regardless of the competence of their DNA.

The day when the ruling of the country was decided by the Royals are long since gone. The Government and House of Commons took on that role, a long while ago, and seem to manage that job with the same efficiency that the Keystone Kops solve crimes (Google it kids...it might even be a bit before my time...)

So, right, when the Royal mirage shimmers, and the illusion drops it kind of galls ‘one’ to play along with the farce. I mean the final nail in the coffin of respectability was probably hammered in a long time ago when the Royal Family appeared on ‘It’s a Royal Knockout’, bumping in to each other while being hosed down by water cannons on bouncy castles. Is that really what these guys are being paid? Is this where we’re at? That’s the elite...? The ‘Upper’ ‘Classes’?!
‘Royalty on Ice’?

All up to date now with ‘fancy dress’ scandals, various butler scandals and the terribly, mawkish saccharine out-pourings of things like Paul Burrell. Diana’s ‘Rock’…Yeeeesh. It just makes one want to puke.....

And now this. I mean what is the point? Why are these lot still in possession these massive mansion castles, with acres and acres and acres of land, if they continue to make displays of strange, redundant taste by lobbing out O.B.E.’s to plod rockers like Status Quo? For the sake of this article I’m absolutely mystified.

Mmmmmm...Wait a sec...I’ve just got to have a quick top up of... rum...mmmm....(cough)....Mmm...where we’re we...Oh yeah...Status Quo. O.B.E.’s ....

Anyway. All I’m saying is everyone knows that it’s a farcical institution, a ridiculous veneer, and a ludicrous pretence of respectability. It should be simple. That’s all it’s got to be. A game of pretence. But I’m not going to play along with your stupid game, if you’re giving OBE’s out to Status Quo. It’s that simple. If you’re not even playing the stupid game properly, then neither am I. You’re just mucking about. Heritage and all that but it just seems, well…silly.

Hang on...I think something I swallowed half n’ hour ago is kicking in. I feel a bit rushy....let’s speed this up......

Maybe it’s just these awards in general. Maybe they’ve run out of people to award them to. The award ceremonies must go on, like death and taxes of course, and therefore you need nominees and entrants and people who’ll turn up. They only give out awards nowadays to people who they know will show up to the event. Oscars, The Baftas…all of them. It’s an event that needs a guest list, so what better to make sure to get these people there than chuck an award at them….Simple.

But then we get awards for...what?

Mmmmm ....I’ve just noticed Robbie Williams is collecting a Brit award for ‘Outstanding Contribution to Music.’ Really? Even by his own admission he seems to recognise that it seems a bit early in the ol’ career and out of sync with reality, when he’s been put up alongside your Bowies and McCartney’s and all of that lot…He knows it’s silly and I think deep down it’s probably one of the things that keeps him up at night....

But at least Robbie Williams has got the grace and awareness to be haunted by the realisation that between him and those others there does seem to lie a fair ol’ distance……A vast chasm in fact, but who’s measuring?

My hearts going like the clappers. Thinkkk igot a perky one in that batch .,..sd6^^4£”sda....asa$£5....I’m going round in circles now…..Anyway, ( *deep breathe*) It’s not a big one. (0*...I’ve got to wrap this up.0)

But y’know if you’re going to be giving out awards, all I’m saying is if the O.B.E., The Order of The British Empire, can go to a bunch of naughty old rockers, then maybe it’s time to stop doing those awards. They seem just a bit pointless....

Right. I’m done. Can’t even remember what I was trying to say now. So, I’m cranking up the Holst. My big stack of ‘Razzle’ has arrived, I’ve just cracked open 12 litre bottle of Grey Goose and the mescaline’s kicking in nicely…Who knows, at this rate, I should be up for a knighthood if I keep all this rubbish up…..

‘Sir Murdoc Niccals’, eh? Sounds quite snazzy, doesn’t it? Mmmmmmm.

Yours sincerely

Concerned of Plastic Beach

xxxx

So…long time since I’ve updated my entries on my mucky little MTV Music Blog here. What have I been up to? Well, loads of rubbish really. Since I last posted, the Gorillaz ‘Plastic Beach’ album came out premièring at Number One in most places round the world. The third and most glorious instalment of my rich & sticky Gorillaz legacy! Snazzy! A couple of US and UK Number Two spot’s too…Not bad. Mmmm…..Working out just like I always planned…..

And then there was our STYLO video which exploded onto the Net, smashing a load of records (I’m too thick to even remember which ones), a mini cinematic exposé, featuring me, 2D, and my cyborg Noodle, in a horrific car chase through the desert. If you ain’t seen it, check it out. It’s a Number One with a bullet!

Plus, right, also the evil entity that is ‘The Boogieman’ put in an unannounced appearance in the footage. I might as well spill the beans. Tell you what that thing is. The Boogieman is some underworld, demonic creature, a swirling mass of all the wickedness in the world, wrapped up in an ever-shifting cape of evil with a gasmask for a face. He is all horror personified.

(Urrrp!) Truth be told…I kind of …promised him a lot of stuff early on. Made a deal with him. When I was still into Black Metal and all that rubbish, and I invoked him…invited him into this world…and then struck a deal with him. I needed certain people off my back and, well, he wanted ‘in’ on the Gorillaz action. I mean, who doesn’t? He said it’d give him access to the minds, hearts and souls of impressionable kids worldwide and if I agreed to, er…‘endorse’ his evil actions he’d help shift us right up the charts. Get rid of all the hassle, and make sure our album charted high. Sounded all dandy, from my point of view….

But I’ve signed a few of those Faustian pacts, and to be honest I’ve reneged on everyone of them…when it’s comes to pay up, I’m always off. Bills? I just mark them “Return to Sender”. So now he’s after me. Big style. Apparently he wants to eat my soul with “a nice Chianti” for all eternity. I think I’ve really p**sed him off. So that’s him in the STYLO video, trying to track me down. Schweinhund! I never even saw him until I got the footage back to Plastic Beach. It frightened the life out of me.

So not only do I have that to contend with all that, if you look at the video I’m also being tailed by some iconic-looking bounty hunter, who’s trying to blow my brains out for some reason. Still haven’t figured out exactly who the Bruce Willis ‘look-ie-likey’ is, but…. unless, er…that is the real Bruce Willis. In which case that’s….pretty scary stuff. It’s all scary, if you think about it. I only managed to get away from this nutter by driving my car off a cliff and into the sea. Close shave. And I thought being in a band was meant to be fun….

My therapist said something redundant like “the best way to deal with it was to confront it, head on.”. So I, er…cobbled together all the footage, the car chase, The Boogieman, the fat cop, the maniac bounty-hunter and everything and used it to promote our STYLO single….Good idea, yeah? That was mine too. Still, great video…..The stuff legends are made of.

So on top of that I did a great Gorillaz A-Z, a trawl through all of our musical influences, for Radio One. With the DJ Rob Da Bank. Very entertaining. He kept trying to touch my leg through the interview, which is a bit unsavoury, but from a musical point of view I think the programme gives a great roundabout view of where I’m at, folks. Everything from Dr. Alimantado to Zapp…. And here’s the link. Click on it, if you’re brave enough…..

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer......._A_to_Z_of_Gorillaz/

That came out very slinky! And apart from all that crap, I’ve been up to something very strange, very exciting…

So, here’s the coo. The real news. The Big STUFF. …

April 18th,, 2010. Gorillaz, oh yeah, GORILLAZ are headlining the magnificent Coachella festival out in Palm Springs, California. That’s right! We’re bringing our King Kong-sized sound right out to you Stateside to stomp all over your festival.

Now, as you might know I’m a man or two down on the regular Gorillaz band member front. I haven’t seen our guitarist Noodle since the El Mañana video that we shot back in 2006. That’s the one where the floating island got shot down and burst into flames with Noodle still on it. Well I’m not sure if you know, but that wasn’t supposed to happen. No, we got tailed onto the video shot by a couple of black helicopters, and they shot the island down, while we were filming, with Noodle on it, as a kind of warning, er…to me…for an unpaid debt….and I haven’t seen Noodle since. Still…great video.

Anyway, all I’ve got of our guitarist now is this cyborg version I built out of the DNA remains I found at the site. I picked up what I could and stuck it in a jar. I had this cyborg replica built out of these scrapings, kind of ‘Six Million Dollar Man’ - styleee. The cyborg, she plays a great guitar, but…I guess…she ain’t Noodle. But still. And …Russel, our drummer’s still missing too. Well I say missing, that’s not true. He’s swimming his way over to Plastic Beach as we speak. I can see him in the water. Headed this way. Big bald-headed this way. And he’s MASSIVE. Must’ve been something he ate….

And our singer, 2D, I’ve got him with me, but y’know, he ain’t what you’d call heavy artillery…Not really the kind of guns big enough to headline a festival like Coachella as a first proper Gorillaz gig since we split in 2006….Which, even by my quite arrogant and ambitious standards, is a bit cheeky….

So, I can’t really use these guys, they’re in scraps. Anyway, to cut a long story short, with our regular Gorillaz band in pieces, I commissioned this band, right, a bunch of crack-troop session musicians, former henchmen and a couple of genuine rock legends and got them all headed-up by Mr. Damon Albarn, my old musical compadre, and Advisor-In-Chief to Gorillaz. He’s always been on hand to help us out.

This is how it went down….. Under his watchful gaze he took a couple of members of his old Gorillaz live band set up, Mike Smith the keyboard player, Cass Browne the old Gorillaz live drummer, and mixed in some new blood of the likes of Jeff Wooton, genius guitar protégé, a second keyboardist named Jesse Hackett and Gabriel Wallace, a Chicago rhythm heavyweight on extra drums …and then added a sprinkle of some genuine ‘old school boys’ with a pedigree that any dog would tear their own tail off to play with.

D’you know what I’m saying? Get on this!!! To finish this band off right Damon book-ended this entourage with two former members of The Clash. YEAH! I KNOW! Fantastic! The Paul Simonon and The Mick Jones from your favourite band and mine….THE CLASH!!

So we gathered this lot up, stuck them in a room together with a crate of rum and 40 Rothman cigarettes and let them work out how to play MY album live. Mmmm….My hearts gone all fluttery. So when they were ready, and sounding ship-shaped, we stuck them out on the road on a tear-up round The British Isles, a bunch of secret fanclub gigs, to see if they could cut it live with the fans…

So I spent the last month or so sneaking off to the rehearsals, then stalking them up and down the country on this trail of secret gigs they performed. I was always in disguise. Had to be.. I went once as a chubby purple-haired Goth girl with big floppy lallies, another time I went dressed in lederhosen and an Alpine feathered cap, looking like the small wooden idiot boy Pinocchio…..Another time I went dressed as some kind of f**KIng nerd. No-one would recognise me dressed like that, would they. And my reasoning behind all this stupid behaviour…?

Well, I needed to check out the band, y’know, incognito. There’s too many goons on my trail for me to go out as Murdoc Niccals. And of course the G-club Gorillaz fans would just rip me apart. So I went in disguise. You see, I needed to check where we’re at, because, (and this is the thing)….I’m training this band to be my, our, Gorillaz backing band LIVE at Coachella. This lot are going to be my Gorillaz backing band!

How heavy is that?!

I’m going to take this lot over to LA, and there we’ve got some rehearsals with the collaborators, people like Bobby Womack, Little Dragon, The Hypnotic Brass Ensemble and Shaun Ryder and er….Mark E. Smith….and Mos Def and De La Soul and, well, I could go on but it’d be ridiculous. Especially when I mention the choirs and the recorded visuals and the exotic orchestras…Anyway, if this lot cut it and it don’t sound like a punch-up in a music shop, I’ll insert myself like the heavyweight showbiz legend I am, right slap-bang into the middle of all of it, LIVE…. AT COACHELLA!!!

How amazing is that?!!?! It’ll be the history of music, worldwide, performing for you live on stage! If this doesn’t blow your socks out the park you’re just dead inside. Seriously. This is it. This is the one. There will be no other gig like this. I’m polishing my bass as f-f-f-ffuriously as I can. And to let you all know how it’s going down, I’m going to send out live updates and up-to-the minute news on my stupid Twitter site (that’s @MurdocGorillaz if you’re following)

Also, right, I’m going to keep my own mucky journal, with pen and paper and Polaroids, like a grown-up, throughout the whole thing! So check that out! I’ll probably fire the finished document into the Internet abyss once it’s all done. So you can see for yourself.

I’m not a man prone to excitement but this Coachella gig really is the pinnacle of all things musical.

Ineedabighitofrumrightnowtocalmmedown…Mmmmmmmmm…….(slurrrrp!!))

World War II, D-Day, The Moon Landings, The Death of Elvis….Birth of Christ! This is history in the making. If you don’t get in on this, and get your head in gear, your grandchildren, in years to come, are going to squint at you in confusion and probably kick you in the shins at your monumental stupidity. It’s not to be missed.

TURN ON, TUNE IN, DROP BY!

COACHELLA, BABY!!

GORILLAZ LIVE! THE TIME IS NOW!!!! SUCK IT UP WHILE IT’S RIPE AND READY!!!!

Ciao for now, ‘Rillaz fans, and I’ll keep you all posted….And remember. The future is unwritten!!

Yours truly,

M. Niccals

Gorillaz of Plastic Beach.

xxxxx

Time to increase the frequency of the old blog posts! Check this out, it's only the first post of my all new GORILLAZ WORLD TOUR diary!

Looky here, I'm warming up with the band! Oh wow!

Well we made it across the water! Gorillaz go Stateside! Touched down after a bumpy old flight, I think the pilot may have opened the cockpit window for a quick ciggie or something. And what's with the seating arrangements?! I was clearly told they'd booked me into one of those new reclining water-beds and I end up in cattle class with some of those irritating 'session' musicians...

To top it off I think the turbulence had a terrible effect on one of my neighbour's bowels. The rumble was so violent it almost shook the plane out of the sky...My drink ended up of the back of the neck of the gonk sitting in front of me...Still, all good and ready to knock the socks of the US of A! Plastic Beach hits America!

And I've had my stage costumes stitched and tailored to perfection; my silver-lined deathly black cape, now with flames up the side, rhinestone-studded bass and diamond encrusted zips added to my pointy Cuban heels! It's Murdoc gone mental! Top stage!

So, Montreal...this is where it all begins. The first date! Thought I'd be meeting all the tour guests at the airport but I saw no sight of them… Bobby Womack, Mos Def, De La Soul, Bashy and Kano from the UK, Little Dragon, Bootie Brown, the Syrian Orchestra, The Demon Strings, The Hypnotic Brass...a couple of those Clash boys...All gone on ahead. But I guess I'll meet them at the show. Opening night!! Montreal, baby!

Anyway, as I said, we landed and decided to head over to the hotel to check out the bar. Grabbed the bags off the conveyor and headed out to the limo pickup only to see the Damon shutting the door and it speeding off!

I swear he saw me, I had to flag down a cab and poor old Cyborg was really struggling carrying all those bags, unfortunately 2D's hands were full with my duty free and I haven't got the frame for it. When I get my hands on him I'm going to throttle the twerp...

So that's that for now...Will post about the hotel later, although...why anyone would care I don't know? Oh yeah, and the shows!!!...forgot about them, (the jet lag setting in), I was in the hotel bar for 2 days before I realised it was Sunday, or was it Wednesday anyway what was I saying?.....

Gorillaz On Tour! This is where it all begins!!! Updates and more info coming soon here...X

Right, checked in, cracked the mini-bar and then decided to go down to breakfast. Still getting the hang of the video setting on my phone so everything still looks wonky. But look at this: The Hotel lobby in Montreal. Odd place to leave a Wiccan offering, don’t you think? A whole bunch of pumpkins!?! Unless this is the buffet. In which case it's ruuuuuubbbbish. Hope this isn't some ominous omen. 5 weeks of this will drive me postal...

Sun 3rd October 2010 Montreal - Bell Centre...

First night of the tour so I got some local crew member to go polish up my big logo letters. That's one L of a job...ermmm sorry......Still, what a debut! We hit the ground running. A spectacular start! Big place too. The ceiling was so high my anablephobia kicked in. Had to bring my self back round with a couple of 'Cheeky Vimtos' and a quick lie down…But come stage time wow! An amazing Stateside 'Plastic Beach' opening. This bodes amazingly well!!! Next stop Boston...must try to get some footage of the gig!

Jeff Wootton and Mick Jones, dressing room Montreal Bell Centre, 3rd October 2010

Wednesday 6th October 2010 Boston Agganis Arena

After the explosion of our first night in Montreal, I wasn't sure we could ramp this gig up another notch. But mmmmm...we did...Boston....I knew this gig was going to be special. Electric! I had a feeling about this. Well....more than a feeling. And it was true! A seismic performance! I took a little video of the vast empty arena before we unleashed our hurricane, just to show you what a clean battlefield looks like and... and then...LOOK! LOOK what we did to the place!! Here’s Bootie Brown tearing through Dirty Harry! Have a listen to the bottom end on this one. Like a rhino stomping through cake shop! Incredible! The Boston Enormodome and Gorillaz knocked this one out of the park! So this set us up quite nicely for our dinky little show at the Madison Square Garden Centre..Just one quick stop off first. The David Letterman Show. Need a quick tune up and a brief gargle and I should be all set....!

So yeah, New York! NYC! The Big Apple! So while we were there warming up for Madison Square Gardens, I got my Gorillaz live demonstration band to drop by on Dave Letterman's show and run through a little rendition of Rhinestone Eyes. Hot stuff! Despite the fact that his studio's ice cold. That's the way he likes it apparently, so he don’t sweat on TV or something! Very swish... I wrote some stuff down too that I got Dave's to say before the band went on…I only had to slip him $100 to do it. I thought someone like him would've charged a little more... Here's a quick snap of the cue cards I sssscrawled out for him. Nice.

Letterman's Cue Cards, written by moi....

The Gorillaz band warm up in Dave Letterman’s fridge. Snappy!

Watch Gorillaz Live on Letterman Live webcast on CBS.com

Straight after Rhinestone Eyes, Gorillaz did a 9-song attack on the Letterman audience culminating in a MASSIVE stage invasion during Clint Eastwood! We demolished the studio! Someone almost smashed my sitar, man! Kray-Zee Still,...MSG is now in our sights and a two-hour set loaded right into the barrel! I feel a storm-a-brewing!! Mmmmm.......

Madison Square Garden, Friday 8th October 2010

OK. This is it. The Big ONE!! Friday Night. New York City. Madison Square Garden. All the bases are loaded!! But then again...so am I. I went in to this one all tooled up...Cutlasses drawn, trumpets sounding...bass fully charged and at the ready. We've done some seismic events this year...Coachella...Glastonbury...Syria....all milestones in the Gorillaz golden glittering career. But this is it! The Garden. Home of the heavyweights, legendary boxers and er...Elton John. It was time for Gorillaz to annex New York.

Tonight's Menu...

And yes, indeed, we slayed them. A full house with people hanging from the rafters. Up on their feet and going crazy! The roar was like a battlefield in full swing! Gorillaz played a full 2 hour set with Bobby Womack, Lou Reed, Bootie, De La, the Syrians, Little Dragon, The Hypnotics...the whole army in full effect. I can't believe no-one filmed it. History is missing a vital document! All I found was this footage that someone posted out into the vast empty chasms of the Interweb. Looks like someone had snuck on stage behind us. Lucky I didn't see them on the night or I would have chopped the mother down.....Still, better than nothing I suppose....Check this out...

See what I'm saying? That's history in the making right there! I was so thrilled I had a quick shower, changed into my spare black v-neck sweater, Cuban heels and lucky 'inverted cross' and then sped off to SPIN the NYC Table tennis club, for the Gorillaz aftershow, to go watch Damon Albarn play table-tennis. But obviously when I came to my senses, I snuck off to a proper party over at Q-Tip's Cotton Bud Club. Woke up in a skip in Greenwich Village 8 hours later, still clutching the bottle of Petrone Smiles had kindly lent me... Let see what tomorrow brings!!....

M.N.xx

NEW YORK SATURDAY 9th October, 2010

WOW! That was a big one! Took me all morning to recover....So, after the heart-stopping sensation that was Madison Square, I thought I'd take the opportunity on my day off to go get my gnarly black mop-top hair cut. It was looking pretty shaggy, and I got something nasty stuck in it when I slept in that skip. I thought it'd be easy to get a trim in The Big Apple. I mean, how hard's it to do my style?. "Just make it look like the Beatles crossed with Keith Richards from the 60's mod era..." Big mistake. I only saw these heads in the barber's window, after I got my hairdo done in this place.

I mean...who in their right mind would put these in the window to advertise their business. I mean...really? Does anyone need a haircut like this? So the upshot is I now look like a Styrofoam version of Kraftwerk. Went straight out and bought myself a new hat to cover it up...Some stupid hipster trilby. It's all I could find since I lent my proper 'skull n' crossbones' cap to the Gorillaz live drummer...the swine.

So next up a quick trip to my favourite skeleton and taxidermy store, Evolution, down on Spring Street. Great place to pick up some pricey dead stuff...the place is stuffed to the gills with all types of oddities and curios.....

a fine place to sit a rum n' rohypnol

So, that was New York, all bashed up Gorillaz-styleee. Nice. Next stop? A breezy Sunday afternoon stroll through Camden, New Jersey. Back on the bus for us lot now. That vehicle's taking on a life of it's own. It looks like something out of Das Boot; a great big filthy submarine, dirty clothes everywhere, rubbish in the gangway and people sick with scurvy on the stinky bunks. And we've only really just begun....More tomorrow then, folks! x

Camden Susquehanna Arena Sun 10th October 2010

Camden: The Big 'C'. Feeling frisky, New Jersey. So, right, as the band were getting their rubbish together in the soundcheck I did a quick runaround on stage. Me as Martin Scorsese! I told the band not to acknowledge the director (me!), keep it fly on the wall. But this lot are taking it to far. The swinehunds totally blanked me...! Look at this!

Still, another blinder tonight. I thought we might lose pace after MSG, y'know...battle fatigue and all that. And Camden's a slightly smaller affray than The Garden. But the place went postal! Backflips in the aisles. They love Gorillaz in Camden....even on a sleepy Sunday! I think it's because of all the work we did here before, back in the day.... Turns out we'd played near here, in Philadelphia, before...back in 2002. I found this old gig poster hanging on the wall outside the dressing room....Doesn't look like Jamie's work though....

I can't remember this at all...but then again...most of last week's missing, so it's no surprise really....

And take a look at this lot. Really. Would you buy a concert ticket of them? Bunch of codgers.....

I took this snap of the Gorillaz live band for the diary. This is in the dressing room just before they went on. They look knackered already and it's only the fourth gig! Lightweights...Ok. Gig done. All packed up and ready to roll... Hello Washington DC!!! xx

Okay... So, folks....the jig's up! I know the footage is out there. It's opened every single gig on this great grand Gorillaz World Tour. It's the same every night. Same damn thing happens every night! It's crazed...It's just...I can't explain it. Every night we get ready to go on, right…packed stadium, heaving crowd...I can hear them! And I'm sitting in the dressing room. Bass polished, hair done all snazzy, shoes nice n' shiny...I'm ready to hit the stage! I then I can hear something at the door. Sounds like some kind of...'band' going on...WHAT?!?! The support band?! I don’t know....It's a bloody nightmare. Then I hear them... Humpin' and thumpin' away...Charlatans! Imposters...Posing on another man's stage.....But then... And then all the doors are jammed. It's driving me mental! Even more mental than I already am! Y'know... oh hang on. Look here....Take a look here! This is what I'm taking about.... See for yourself! I've been swindled!

Well, this is curious...I don't remember recording this one at all. A whole album...and nothing. But it's got the Gorillaz name on it so I must have done it! Did I? Really? Yeah...I probably did. Did it on an iPad using all the music apps...Fatbooth, FaceAche, iBeer, InstantAlbum...all the great apps. "Great Appz"... Anyway... to all of you 'technology lovers' out there... the CD and digital release will be out soon. "April-ish!" Parlophone said to me...